BACK FROM THE GRAVE

Alert the authorities, lock your doors, and restring your racquets for the stone has been rolled away and the crypt is empty. Like the leviathon rising from the depths of the unknown The Passion of the Stripes tennis league has returned to entice, excite, and engulf everything in it’s path. If you’re wise, you’d drop everything and head for the hills, but as Hollywood has taught us over the last several years; even the hills have eyes.

Despite a 4-year hiatus, anticipation has already reached a fever pitch for the return of the tennis world’s dirty little secret. Although several of the core elements of the league have changed, the spirit of deserved pride through competition remains. Emotions have begun to run high as the league views the world through a dim veil of green as its members eyes have returned to the earthy shade typically reserved for envy as the prospect of a new title and trophy have made their way into conversation. To every season turn, turn, turn.

Call it irony that the league reassembled over a weekend meant to honor the working class with time off for a job well done, for the 1 thing the league did not do was take a break from fierce competition. Although the league’s return was merely a reunion of several of its core members, the warm-up to the 2009 fall season carried an undercurrent capable of pulling a small child into Davey Jones’ locker. The day marked the return of the Tennismachine (Moore), still possessing the never-ending desire for dominance overshadowed by the newly acquired lack of physical stamina that comes with age. The occasion also unveiled the return of the once-menacing Skullcrusher (Kirchner), now suffering from ‘Norris Syndrome’, which restricts the range of motion of the left hand due to the added weight on the 4th finger.

Despite a strong showing from the two league’s veterans, the day belonged to a new star in the arena of semi-competitive tennis. Sir Dan of McCollister (McCollister), made his early bid for ‘Rookie of the year’ after shutting down both Skullcrusher and Tennismachine in two quick ‘friendly’ games. It is unknown if Sir Dan has the stamina to carry-out the appropriate thrashings necessary to prevail in a league maid up of some the sharpest tongues in the western hemisphere, but perhaps he can do what no one in the league has ever done before and let his game play actually do the talking.

The fall 2009 Passion of the Stripes table has been set, and pain is the only thing on the menu. Whilst some members have moved on to a better place (RIP Star City Serpent {Norris}) new stars are rising with the prospects of greatness. The league opens membership to the masses though warns anyone audacious enough to consider participation to first acquire a skin thick as the earth’s mantle. If you’re ready to stare destiny in the face and take your place among legends (New York Nightmare, Star City Serpent, Blade Miracle, Skull Crusher, Tennismachine), grab something to bite down on… this is going to hurt.

“Join or die.” –Benjamin Franklin

New York City Nightmare located near Long Island

(Stock Photo unavailable)

This EXCLUSIVE Passion of the Stripes artist's rendering offers a rare look at the New York City Nightmare's (Muldrew) life off the court. The rendering apparently shows NYCN walking into Madison Square Garden just seconds after purchasing a hotdog from a street vendor. Note what seems to resemble a taxi in the foreground.

Please submit any further sightings/insights to the Passion of the Stripes.

Retired Women No Match For SkullCrusher's Forehand

SkullCrusher finally able to be ‘the best’

When many thought the Passion of the Stripes tennis league had become a dormant establishment, Skullcrusher (Kirchner) began playing the best tennis of his life. This opportunity to become ‘grand champion of the court’ came shortly after Skullcrusher found himself ‘an insufficient factor in determining Passions outcomes’. Skullcrusher’s disappointing, however expected, last place finish in the Star City Serpent’s Bachelor Memorial Tournament was apparently too much for his ‘pride’ to handle and like Christopher Reeve, he wasn’t going to stand for it.

While practicing his backhands, SkullCrusher’s opportunity for dominance came when an elderly couple mistook him for a special Olympian in training and offered a charitable match to a best of three sets. Though it took some persuasion, Skullcrusher talked the couple into a best 4 out of 7 pro-set and won by default after one of his opponents suffered from ‘cardiovascular complications’. SkullCrusher is rumored to have given up all ties to The passion of the Stripes has become a regular fixture at Kutcher’s Country Club playing for ‘real’ pride and sugar-free TUMS.

Serpent Resurfaces after Tourney Loss/Marriage

Exclusive photo of former ‘champion’ proves his existence

On Saturday, October 22^nd between the hours of 8pm and 11pm, the Star City Serpent (Norris) was sighted just off the grounds of the San Regis compound. The story behind Star City Serpent’s hiatus is riddled with more holes than Blade Miracle’s (blade miracle) under pants, but many tennis enthusiasts believe it has something to do with Serpent’s defeat by The New York City Nightmare (Muldrew), while scholars speculate his shortcomings stem from a sense of unbalance derived from the addition of a piece of jewelry to his left hand.

All of these generalizations are pure speculation since no one has played or seen SCS since the beginning of September. A security guard at the San Regis compound claimed he once saw SRS playing left handed against an unknown female, but upon a closer examination he found nothing but a couple of Penn 2s and an empty bucket of KFC.

The future is uncertain for The Star City Serpent as many believe his pants are expanding faster than the blue prints for public schools. If SCS were as hungry for a title as he was for butter sticks…the Passion of the Stripes would be in ‘big, big’ trouble.

Return of the King

Long live the King

New York Nightmare-the new reason to stay awake.

The New York Nightmare takes a 'stab' at tourney/Passion title.
The casket has been lowered. The shovels have been put away. The widow ceases her weeping.
With a grin cold enough to make even death himself shiver, the New York Nightmare (Brian 'murder' Muldrew) removes the Passion title from the league's cold dead fingers.
Question: What animal moves like a Panther, posseses the quickness of a Humming Bird, strength of a Grizzly, and cunning of Spider Monkey?
Answer: Trick Question-only a Machine can posses these qualities; a machine by the name of the New York Nightmare.
The New York Nightmare (Brian 'murder' Muldrew) shocked players and onlookers as he completely dominated the Star City Serpent's "Bachlore Memorial Tournament" earlier this month. Though NYN's prior comments and descriptions of Passion players bordered on slanderous, they proved, however, to be true as NYN hoisted the Passion of the Stripes Trophy high above his head after the dust settled.
Ironicaly enough, the first player to fall victim to NYN's Wilson-made broadsword was the current Passion title holder and overall Grand Champion Tennismachine (moore). Tennismachine, though rusty due to a hampering wrist injury (or what other league members quipped as a 'Ovarian Problem'), still remained an ever present threat going into this preliminary round of play. A God-fearing viewpoint from the stands could easily suggest this matchup to have the visual components of a literal David and Goliath setting as NYN easily towered/powered over the small but understated tennismachine. Unfortunately for 'machine, instead of providing an arsenal of stones for this epic battle, the stream offered what seemed to be the weaponry of a child's party clown as the end result was both pointless and dull.
NYN made quick work of tennismachine, keeping 'machine from scoring a solitary point until seconds before the match's conclusion. NYN stepped clear of the lines winning 6-1 in this 1-set-a-pall-ooza while awaiting the result of the StarCitySerpent/SkullCrusher Matchup.
Perhaps it was being on his 'own turf', or his final spirit of freedom fleeting away with the weekend's coming activities that drove the StarCitySerpent on that day. Despite his reasonings, the StarCitySerpent made quick work of the Skullcrusher(Kerchner), beating him to 6 in the blink of an eye.
Fault cannot automatically be atributed to Skullcrusher on this day as he faced any number of distractions: 1) The thought of unmercifully beating StarCitySerpent days prior to his wedding day 2) Attempting perfection under the curious eyes of passing coeds 3) Mental fatigue suffered from the somewhat constant persistance of his Mother's phonecalls during gameplay (which Skullcrusher answered further delaying defeat). Whatever the reasoning, Skullcrusher seemed to leave his 'A' game on the coast while remembering to pack more than enough 'C' game for the weekend's tournament.
The Second round saw a similar scenario to the first as both tennismachine and skullcrusher fell beneath the power and prestige of NYN and the starcityserpent. Though tennismachine's stand and victory against starcityserpent seemed eminant, the serpent turned a 5-3 defacit around to claim victory over tennismachine 7-5 in what tennismachine claimed to be 'his biggest failure next to his Jr. Prom date'.
The stage was set. This match boasted more onstage electricity than Gibson/Streep in Hamlet, but unlike the film production's hard to follow dialogue, this matchup featured plot line anyone could understand: PAIN.
Like the moment before a car crash or the milisecond after a gunshot, the match was underway. Both champions, showing no signs of fatigue or failure, played their perspective matches like Greek gods in the heat of combat. Starcityserpent's playing style bordered on aggressive as he routinely rushed the net like a buffalo on a settler. The New York Nightmare, like a true gentleman in the field, took quickly to the serpent's advances by countering with a playing style remnant to that of a 18th century swordsman fighting for his lady's honor.
The true demenaor and stamina of the brash, yet youthful starcityserpent became quickly evident as the NYN parried his advances while striking critical blows to the starcityserpent's pipe dreams.
As the match neared its conclusion, the New York Nightmare, as a symbol of his honor yet blatent disrespect for the starcityserpent's frail attempt at victory, sent the "yellowdart" painfully within the lines of starcityserpent's court bringing the cold shiver of death onto the match. Like George Michael's sexual advances in a restroom...the dream was over.
The tournament's closing ceremonies saw one final display of NYN's granduer as starcityserpent bowed down beneath the power of a foe he could not overcome. NYN, scoffing downward at the prostrate starcityserpent, gave a final glance of 'this one's for your wife' as he raised the Passion trophy like a sacrifice to Apollo. He is THE best.
The New York Nightmare claimed supremacy long before the Tourney began, but like cries for evacuation, his words fell on deaf ears. Some say he's the best in the game. Others claim he is a myth or legend. As for starcityserpent, skullcrusher, and tennismachine...he is the figment in the darkness, the beast beneath floorboards, he is the Nightmare.

Weekend Wasteland: Title changes hands

Weekend match-ups find Passion trophy under new ownership.
The weekend, much like a set of Dice at the Bellagio, has changed the lives and destinies of three Passion members. The title first changed hands on Thrusday the eleventh of August as Skullcrusher (Kirchner) shocked fans and himself by blitzing the star city serpent (Norris) in two straight sets of tennis mayheim. When the Serpent was confronted on his loss, his usual cocky stride was replaced by a slower saunter very remnant to that of an embarrased labradore. The serpent claimed he would forever be the solo-owner of the Passion of the Stripes title, but Skullcrusher's cross-court shot became the silver bullet to serpent's hairy aperatus. Joy ensued for the Skullcrusher until his arrogance became his un-doing.
The title, like a dry-cleaners owned by a drunkard, again went under new ownership on Sunday the fourteenth at 11am. Like Wyatt Earp at the OK corral, blademiracle (blademiracle) made quick work of the skullcrusher beating him in two straight sets. Bystanders at this 'Black Sabath' question the skullcrusher's motives unable to determine his stradagy for defeat. It seems the very skullcrusher who removed the title from the star city serpent stayed home, while a 'new' skullcrusher attended the match hoping to hit the balls anywhere but inside the lines. No true explaination has been determined at this time.
Blademiracle might have retained the title long enough to enjoy it if it hadn't been for his 1 vs. the world philosophy of game-play. Each member of The Passion of the Stripes tennis league will claim to fear no man capable of holding a racquet while secretly desiring to retain the title as long as possible...Blademiracle, much like the tennis version of Brigham Young, decided to go against the rules and quickly accepted a challenge from blademiracle. The result was much like Abraham Lincoln's last haircut: unnecessary.
Today, August sixteenth, the title yet again changed hands as the star city serpent redeemed himself against blademiracle. No other player in Passion history has so quickly jumped from Omega to Alpha as the serpent did this very day. Word of mouth has established the serpent victory by a close margin of 7-5, 6-4 which is close enough to consider both men 'winners', but with the trophy safely resting in the serpent's coils it is blademiracle who must garnish the title of 'first loser'.
The Passion of the Stripes has undergone highs and lows remnant of the world's history itself, but like life, the future is unknown. This past weekend has seen dynasties crumbled, paupers crowned, and a title change men like an ugly sophomore cheerleader. One could only hope the next week brings similar thrills and expectations to our normally dull existance but, like half-asking-half joking a friend's sister on a date...anything can happen.

Serpent tops week 2 rankings

The official Passion of the Stripes league rankings released today:
#1-Star City Serpent
#2-tennismachine
#3-Skull Crusher
#4 Blade Miracle
#5 Duece Bigalow

These are the league rankings for this week, but like the unpredictable world of deer fighting...anything can happen.

TennisMachine romps Skull Crusher

Tennismachine breaks Skull Crusher's spine 6-2, 7-5, while Star City Serpent strikes down all challengers in 1-set challenge.
The dream finally became reality as both tennismachine (Moore) and Skull Crusher (Kirchner) met at the San Regis ground Zero for a long-awaited conflict of interest.
The first set began just as the last between these two foes as 'machine got out to an early lead playing off Skullcrusher's errors. As the score neared 5-2, Skullcrusher exchanged his nylon shorts for a pair of daisydukes and a blouse as 'machine proceed to backhand 'crusher into submission as if saying, "Why ain't my dinner ready?"
The second set began just as the first, as tennismachine put up an early 2-0 lead with the added help of his power serve which he had harnessed for the first set. Tennismachine kept Skullcrusher at bay until 'crusher got on the board at 3-1.
As the game 5 serves began to hit the court, Skullcrusher, like a Kodiak bear frightened out of Hibernation, came alive like Peter Frampton. Tennismachine began to loose his cool as the Skullcrusher lived up to his title by playing what some believe to be 'flawless' tennis. Skullcrusher's almost patented cross-court corner shot became as common as tennismachine's substitute swear words. Unfortunately, tennismachine turned full speed ahead as Skullcrusher's comeback just wasn't soon enough. The final score after what seemed like an endless second set would come to the favor of tennismachine 7-5.
After tennismachine's victory over 'evil', he proceeded to challenge Star City Serpent (Norris) to a non-title pro set. The match began as every match between these two titans has before: a 10 minute first game which sets the pace for the rest of the entire match. In this case, the first game went to the serpent only to be joined by the entire victory as a whole.
Fatigue caused the two foes to quit the Match after the first set, Star City Serpent taking the Match 6-4. It was no title rematch for tennismachine, and he was fortunate for that. Skullcrusher became victim of a similar scenario as he too also fell to Star City Serpent in a one set romp falling again at 6-4.
Despite the tennismachine victory, the night ultimately went to the Serpent as he again unofficially defended his title. The Star City Serpent sleeps soundly again this night, while rumors of a SkullCrusher title challenge ride silently on the wind.

Tennismachine fears for the worst

Rumors circulate as tennismachine could drop from #1 all the way to #5 in the ratings after falling so unmercifully to the star city serpent in last week's title match. When asked to comment tennismachine said only, "Number 5? There aint no way I'm worse than Kuhns...get real." Tennismachine hopes to make a run at the title sometime during the next 7-8 days.

Title Challege: Serpent Over Tennis Machine

Star City Serpent's coils bring TennisMachine to a hault. Serpent takes title 6-5, 4-6, 6-2.

The hiss of tennis temptation and grinding cogs of destruction shattered the serentity of morning as the first official Passion of the Stripes trophy title game took place on August 7th. Both Ryan "star city serpent" Norris and Matt "tennismachine" Moore met at the San Regis battle field at 6:45am to begin preperations for the bitter battle to ensue.
The serpent appeared alert as he bagan his pre-game regiment of akward yet acute serves and back-handed spins, while tennismachine focused on his top-spin overhands. The on-the-court banter resembled the morning in many ways; it, like the morning, was both light and friendly, but a thin cloud of the unknown lingered just under the surface.
Tennismachine came into the match an undesputed champion. He had taken the hiss out of the serpent 2 straight times in official match play, while stomping The Juice (Kerchner) dead in his tracks several days prior. Tennismachine had no real hinderings on the morning, but the the mere fact that the official Passion of the Stripes trophy was on the line for the first time made this match unlike any other. According to official Pashion of the Stripes league rules, if the current champion is defeated by a challenger in a full pro-set, the defeated champion must stoop down to both knees and present the trophy to the new champion as a further symbol of shame and defeat. Because this was the first official trophy match, tennismachine would hate nothing more than having to be the first player to present the trophy from his knees especially after defeating the serpent in 2 seperate games prior.
Both players began the match as heroes...only one was left a fraud.
The first game was like a battle between greek gods. By the time the advantage at duece had been lost and won over three full rotations, both players neglected nerves and played on passion. By the time the match had reached to half way through the first set, it was clear that this was to be a match for the ages. Tennismachine's acrobatics just fell short of the serpent's persistance as the serpent edged out tennismachine in a bitter 6-5 win.
The second set began much like the first as both players seemed to posses skills only fabled in Viking legend and lore, however from the begining, it was clear this set was to go to the tennismachine. Tennismachine's hard drive came into sync with the rest of his combustion frame creating a serve best characterized by the engraving on the underside of a Rolex: Swiss Movements. Tennismachine played an almost flawless set keeping the serpent off the board until the 4th game when the serpent made the score 3-1. The serpent's comeback just didn't come soon enough as tennismachine took the set 6-4.
D-day, JFK's assasination, August 7th 2005: each of these now historic days all began with a hint of something epic in the air, the latter of the list was no exception. For it was on this day that the star city serpent completely destroyed tennismachine in the final set of the first official title-trophy game.
Tennismachine came into the final set with an almost cocky stride relevent to his victory in set #2. The serpent, with an almost creepy air to his unfaultering eyes, came into the match looking for a kill, and he most certainly got it. From the very begining of set 3, the star city serpent showed signs of greatness while tennismachine 'removed both shoes and a sock'. The star city serpent was relentless in his pumaling of tennismachine as he kept 'machine off the board until the 5th point 4-1. It was clear this match was to go to the reptile, but 'machine fought on like the poor kid at recess inspired by his viet nam veteran uncle...he was born to lose.
As the smoke cleared, the star city serpent emerged victorious as the tennismachine hung his head in shame. Tennismachine offered only praise to the serpent while complaining of an alleged ankle sprain that 'magically' went un-noticed by both parties participating.
Like a English hero being knighted with only shame as his mentor, the tennismachine bowed before the star city serpent and presented the title. On this day, the star city serpent emerged the better man...God save the Queen.